Friday, June 15, 2007

Things a Man Should Know About Fatherhood

Another find from BagofNothing. There were 72 listed on the are my favorites:

1. Don't worry, your dad didn't know what he was doing, either.
9. Baby gas is lessened with a good nipple connection during feeding, which decreases air intake.
Assuring that his lower lip is flipped out, not pursed, helps.
10. There is nothing wrong with thumb-sucking, which helps ease the pain of teething.
Nonetheless, it probably ought to stop by kindergarten.
11. Diaper-rash remedy: Expose baby's hydraulics to the air until dry. Soak baby's bottom in tepid water with a half cup baking soda. Then, Balmex. Or Lotrimin. (Or Lansinoh.) Rediaper.
12. You know how they say you'll get used to diapers? You won't.
Unless you wear them a lot.
13. Forcing children to use toilets will make them dislike toilets.
Children begin using toilets when they tire of that not-so-fresh feeling.
Of course, this is long, way long, after you tire of it.
14. The start of crawling: usually begins between six months and twelve months.
Standing: usually between nine and twelve months.
Walking: between twelve and fifteen months.
The onset of the above, as with all developmental skills, is hugely variable among individual children. (It's not a competition!)
15. Avoid walkers, not only because they can be dangerous around stairs but because they don't require a child to balance and thus retard his walking progress.
16. Reason boys are better: They cannot get pregnant.
17. Reason girls are better: They're less likely to get arrested.
19. ...Annals of great punishments, for real: making him wash the car, clean the bathroom, and watch The McLaughlin Group.
You see, all great punishments should reduce the number of disagreeable tasks you would otherwise have to perform.
20. Teach by example.
21. Your kids can develop an independent sense of good taste only if they're allowed to make their own mistakes in judgment.
22. Relax: Lots of little boys want a Barbie and a dollhouse.
24. Children of too-strict parents are more likely to develop tics.
25. Let them take reasonable risks: A few scrapes in the long run are nothing compared with the scars left by hovering parents. Or tics.
In preparation for risks: a Red Cross first-aid course.
26. The most common cause of fatal injury among kids between five and nine involves cars, which is to say, hold their hands. And buckle them in.
27. Try to tuck them in every night, too.
28. When changing diapers, avoid baby powder, as it can irritate her lungs.
When changing diapers, definitely don't avoid the Desitin--spread it thick, like Spackle.
30. Never disclose to other parents that you have found a good baby-sitter.
31. Reason boys are better: They cost less, especially their clothes.
32. Reason girls are better: They're less likely to burn, slash, or chew the clothes they have.
33. Overalls are not only cute, they provide a convenient handle.
36. The single most important thing a father can possess: Wet-Naps.
37. NOW, more than ever, don't move into a place without laundry facilities.
43. Your bedroom door gets a lock. Your teenage son's does not.
48. No matter how wealthy you are, don't buy your kid a car -- offer to match him.
Ditto for other adolescent big-ticket items; teach the little bastard some responsibility!
49. The previous statement proving you are your parents.
Only -- hopefully -- with better fashion sense.
50. Price of a college education for a baby born in 1999: $200,000.
53. Reason boys are better: Boys start talking later than girls.
54. Reason girls are better: Boys toilet-train later than girls.
55. The twos aren't always terrible.
Even if they are, take heart, as kids aged three to six generally believe their parents are the most amazing beings alive and wish to be exactly like them.
How scary is that?
58. It's never too early to begin reading to children.
59. Let them read what they enjoy.
62. Know that by the time your kids are teens, those enormous baggy pants will be long gone, as will tattoos, piercing, and Marilyn Manson.
Of course, by 2015, kids might very well sever arms and legs as fashion statements.
64. Nearly all psychological problems result from feelings of worthlessness, which is to say, every now and then make sure that you tell your kid he's pretty great.
65. And never raise a hand to him. But being a good guy, you probably knew that.
66. The harder they play, the earlier they sleep.
67. Never turn down an invitation to play.
68. No toys that require batteries.
69. They never really outgrow the claw.
"No, Dad, no! Not the claw!" means "Apply the claw, please."
70. All in all, fatherhood is pretty terrific -- filled with joy and triumph, promise and miracles...
71. You might think you know a lot about fatherhood, but not as much as you will when you're a grandfather.
72. If you're thinking that fatherhood means the end of life as you've known it, you, sir, are, of course, absolutely correct.

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