Random thoughts on a dream...
This morning I had a dream that my mother had gotten us (me) a baby boy. It was weird because she brought it home and let me know that we can return the boy if it didn't work out. (Anne of Green Gables influence?)
Anyway, the baby spent the night and we slept in my old futon bed. We hung out during the day until he got a little grouchy (by this time the baby was talking full sentences) and we figured he needed a nap. I put him in the bassinet he came in but it was too small and hot for him.
So my mom decided we're all going shopping and we walked to Borders. My brother handed the kid a $50 gift card for Borders and asked if he liked it. No. So I took the kid aside and explained that he should thank him for the card. I, of course, made sure he was paying attention by looking at me and I told him that when people give him gifts it's a way of saying I love you and that he should say thank you. I explained that it was like when he gave me a flower when we met. (Yes, I'm aware I didn't mention that, but I'm not sure it happened...) He understood and told Blake thank you and Blake gave him another card. (He wanted to spoil his nephew.) When the boy was talking to Blake he looked like he was at least 7 years old.
Throughout the dream the baby kept aging. It was like how your parents' friends always tell you how big you've grown that one day of the year they always see you...or how parents say how fast their kids have grown as their kids are getting married or having children.
Though I had the choice, I never though it an option to have a kid on lease and treat him like my child only to return him. I kept calling my mother "grandma" for him and loved watching him understand the lesson I was teaching him. I felt the love of a mother...
This whole time I've been pregnant I've have a fear of not being able to love my baby enough. I'm afraid I'll be impatient and lose my temper instead of having and acting upon the strong love of a mother.
I remember going through premarital counseling and talking about my fear of a stale marriage and overwhelming loneliness. I was afraid we'd end up like the worst aspects of my parents' relationship. Pastor told me that it's a choice to believe these fears into existence. Only my husband and I could decide how our marriage will be.
I know this advice is applicable with being a mother as well. I know that God is still preparing me to be a mother...and only He can make me ready in less than 5 months. Philippians 1:6 - "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Motherhood will be an adventure and the time will fly by...I'm sure it won't feel like it's moving too fast during the midnight feedings, etc., but I know that looking back it will seem like it went by fast. (I hope I record everything...camera or memory!) I know I'll enjoy and be able to teach my kids valuable lessons, like being grateful for gifts, and I'll have the chance to see their mind ticking and to see them make their choices - good or bad.
I guess this dream helped me remember the joys and purpose of motherhood. Whether it was spurred on by God or Anne of Green Gables or some trigger from an old teaching class, I know I'll be at LEAST as loving to my own children as I was to the child in my dream. There is nothing to fear, but fear itself. Motherhood is a great thing and, with God's help, I'll develop the traits of love, faith, kindness, patience, creativity, etc. - during pregnancy and after being able to hold our little blessing.