(Van Zant, "Get Right With the Man")
Somewhat the story of my life...every time I think I have a plan, it never goes the way I thought...and it's great! I could never have imagined marrying a man like my husband. He is far more than I could have EVER dreamed of marrying. I always figured I'd end up like everyone else...marrying a guy who ignores me or doesn't value who I am, who forces me to be the spiritual leader, someone I could never REALLY trust, and I'd end up always feeling alone. Some plan, eh?
Well, God must have been cracking up as He thought, "are you kidding me?! That's all you want in life? Don't you know I can and WANT to give you so much more?! You have no idea what I have in store for you!" How often we short-suit ourselves! I know what's running through MY head when I make such cheap plans..."don't set your goals too high because you don't want to be disappointed...compromise is the key." How foolish! Our God is a GOOD God and He loves us and WANTS to give us the best.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29). God's plan are good! And here comes our future!…
Big Red and I "planned" (poorly, might I ad?) to have our first kid around 2 years down the road, the whole time thinking we were intellectuals to give ourselves time alone before having kids. Of course, we also decided that it was going to happen in God's timing since He opens and closes the womb no matter the circumstances. Well, His timing was a bit faster than ours.
I’m not saying that it can’t hurt to see your plans fall through or that losing those plans can’t effect your faith. I remember praying that God would prepare us to be great parents and give us a child when He thought we were ready...and I said it with all my heart! Well, our little one's less than 6 months away and I feel under equipped with little to give. I've been waiting for a moment to come where love and expectation for our baby overwhelms me and I gain the heart of a mother…and it just hasn't happened…yet! I know those of you who know me are thinking I'm nuts. I've spent years loving on kids - being a mentor, a weekend parent, taking care of them, playing with them, teaching them, feeding them, changing diapers, going to games/plays, giving hugs, etc. My thoughts - with all that, I was always able to sleep in, eat what I want, do what I want, etc. Now I feel like I have to give it all up. I guess it’s selfish and irresponsible of me to want freedom…
Will all these thoughts and fears make me a bad mother? No!
"...being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ (Phillippians 1:6)." He's not done with me yet...I'm under construction. I know that no matter how hard the selfish desires and fears press in that I will overcome them. God promises that I will not be crushed. His love with radiate through me as a mom.
I KNOW that His plans are greater than anything I could dream up. Years from now I’m expecting to blog about what a fool I was to think a child would stop my life. I look at my friends, the Gombojavs, and see that life doesn’t end with kids…kids can be a catalyst to the greatest joys of life! They can enrich your life…it all depends on your attitude. I can’t wait to hold my child, to see my heart walking around outside my chest, to be able to trust God in raising him, to know God is with her when she scrapes her knee or gets her heart broken, to pray for his knowledge of God, to see her laughing as her daddy plays with her…those are the things life is made of!
No matter my plans in life, I know God’s are greater. He loves me more than I love myself…and that’s wild love!